I have walked the path of a healer. I have journeyed as warrior. But now I'm feeling called to a new role. That of a leader. Work has pushed me into a management role. I've been feeling the desire to build an SCA household. I feel a calling to step out of the shadows.

This past weekend I went to Dark Odessy's Fusion. For me it was a weekend of Self discovery, Healing, and Transformation. I went into the event with no expectations and was rewarded with an amazing experience.

Lately I have been feeling lost. I have been feeling alone and unable to find connections. At fusion I was welcomed into a camp. The people I met felt like family. I was pushed out of my comfort zone and was given room to shine. The group I was with is spiritual and ran rituals at night. The theme this year was healing. My role in all of this was a fire tender. Long hot hard work. Building the fire, controlling the burn, feeding the fire. Fire has a way of cleansing what it touches. The first night of tending cleansed my spirit. I was able to release my inhibitions. All the blockages that kept me from making connections were freed, turned to ash.

The second night we built a new fire and there was a very long and powerful ritual going on. There was lot of energy circling and the fire was big and hungry. Fires have a way of being greedy. They will eat and eat until there is nothing left but ash. I found that the fire ate all my hesitation, all my self doubt, all my self loathing. As the night continued my energies were drained as the fire and the ritual consumed them. eventually i crashed.

The morning I was woke up to drums. I was exhausted and drained completely dry. I am now slowly building myself back up with the energies I want. I can now refill myself and be the person i want to be.
So I have an issue. I am currently unable to make/feel personal connections as of late. I feel isolated from everyone around me like I'm vibrating at a different frequency then other people or that Im covered in some sort of insulating skin that is keeping everything out.

It has been suggested that in living alone I raised these barriers as sort protection, or maybe I just forgot how to deal with people.

Im not sure what the cause of it is. I need to work on finding out what the cause is so I can know what my problem is precisely. For now I'm looking for help. and Im looking for ways to deal with my issues.
So I have been sick off and on for the last few months. Stress kinda does that. My body and mind have been protesting in various was their disapproval of the stress I have been under. Couple of weeks ago I was in the ER pretty much because of the stress I have been under.

Trying to pack a house, take care of two young kids, and deal with whatever else pops up all without a real support network really sucks.

My mind has shut down in certain areas trying to allocate resources to more important tasks. My body try its best to force me to take breaks and get the rest i need wether i want to or not. Its really amazing how how all our systems are interconnected and how they work together to keep you running despite your attempts to shut it down.

Now the problem occurs when your body and mind are stuck in "safe mode" for too long. as some of my friends have experienced the body will turn on itself in efforts to try to keep working. this can have very life threatening effects.

Now Im in an environment where Im less stress. Other then floating in limbo with no idea of where I am going. But its a different stress. I do have a lot of back ground stress of what we are doing with our old house. Hear i have the ability to hand the kids off and go for a walk. Say I don't feel like cooking, somebody else do it. Its really amazing. Even with all this amazingness that I have not had for months my body is not fully back to where it was and my mind is starting to play with things again.

Dreams are getting darker again. My good moods are not as bright anymore and my ability to tolerate inconveniences is becoming shorter.

Ive started my vitamins again so hopefully that will help and really I should take a couple of hours for myself and that would be amazing. I'm trying to work on crafts and hobbies, which excitedly I have time for, but half my supplies seam to be at the old house. Its important to try and take care of yourself.
My life is all about Transitions right now. My kids are growing up and school is starting. We are in a slow process of moving our household from one side of the state to the other. I'm transitioning to become a better person and more useful to my family. With all this going on Im still dealing with gender crap.

This move that we are going through is going to be a benefit in the long run. Its just the short term stress that is causing issues. The fact that the whole family is on the same side of the state and for the most part living under the same roof is really cutting down on the stress but still as of now we don't have our own home. We are effectively sleeping on a friends couch until we can get things figured out. Most of our stuff is still in the old home and some basics got left behind. but we are strong and will deal.

I still don't know who I want to be. I know the person that I was is worthless scum so I need to improve on that. I need to work on improving skills I have not trying to add more. Im not talented in anything, this has been an issue I have had in the past. I have kept trying new things in search of my talent. Im at the point I need to give up on that search. If I'm supposed to find it Ill find it but I have a few skills that I could be decent at if I just focus on them. Course in all this self refinement I also need to find something that pays the bills.

So even with all this going on I have to deal with the fact that my brain has a bunch of loose wires. Things that cause my anxiety, and depression, and gender dysphoria all at random times. I wish I could figure out triggers but I haven't been able to do that. I have started to figure out the precursors to things and can work things out earlier but still no triggers.

So in the thoughts about transitions here is my feelings on me doing any sort of physical gender changes. About half the time I'm as happy as I could be with this over weight maleness that I have. yes I want to loose my belly but I can work on it. about 30% of the time Im ok with things. Shaving and some make-up can make me decently passible as a women if the room is poorly lit. But then there is this 20% of things that looks at a 2 piece swim suit and knows I could never pull it off. My shoulders are too broad for that slinky little nighty. My feet are to big for those cute little strappy shoes. and I don't have the hips or waist to look good in that filmy dress. Now even if I wanted to cave into the desires of that 20% of me that wants to be a woman full time. no amount of hormones are going to fix my size 12 feet or my broad manly shoulders or the fact Im 5'11". Sure I would get hips and boobs. but Im never going to be the little waif at 5'8" that I would want to be. I think sometimes that if I was back in high school in this day and age, with the friends I have now. I might consider transitioning. Back when I was 16 I may have been able to become the girl I would have wanted to be. but now its not as important for me to have the physical body, at least most of the time. but I do occasionally want my own pair of boobs.
I dont consider myself a Helicopter parent. I feel kids need to go live life, explore, fail, secede, and if they need guidance or help I will be there. Today was one of the toughest mornings I have had as a parent.

Today I dropped my boy off at his new school. he was excited as we left. In a good mood. Not showing any signs of the insecurities he was showing a few nights ago when we were at orientation. But as we go out of the car my 9 year old boy took my hand and we walked up to the doors together. I could feel is strength and resolve ebbing out of his small body. I tried to give him some of mine but his slow shift in attitude I could feel. We met his new principal once more and I took him to where he would have breakfast. There I left him. Alone at his new school. Not a knife or an axe to defend himself with.

Im sure he will be ok. Its 4th grade not middle school. His hair has a blue tint to it. He has his Pikachu backpack. I hope he will find a friend or two.

For me, I have things to do today. A ceiling fan to fix, need to see my parents before they go on a trip. Make some progress on looking for work.
I have lost myself. more precisely I have left myself behind in the transition to our new life. I Left myself amongst the partially packed boxes and the piles of stuff that Im hoping to yard sale. In all the purging and cleaning and packing I realized I didn't need to bring my old self with me.

In some ways this is liberating, where I am at is old yet new. We haven't lived in this area in many years. We have our families, and friends near us, but the length of time we have been gone has created a situation where we all have to learn about each other again. There are no expectations.

I have no job, no commitments, no demands of me. I have no home, little baggage, and no idea of my next step. Im a blank canvas waiting to become art, or maybe a cocoon waiting to be born.

I have the opportunity here to become a better person. To become the person I have been wanting to be. I have cast off most of the weights and chains that were holding me back. I just need to decide who this person is that I want to become.
ok so this is a quick little story I wrote. I hope you all enjoy it. Starting to flex my writing muscles again.

Darkness


The walls were already badly damaged from previous attacks. The streets lined with rubble from crumbling buildings, the White marble stained brownish gray from soot, ash and blood.
The warrior stood strong facing his opponents. Gripping his sword and shield tighter he letting out a scream of challenge and charged toward the wall. The hundred demons responded in kind. Flinging dark energies like arrows not caring where they landed. The Warrior heard a cry next to him and gave a quick glance.
“Side by Side, brother” said the man next to him. His long beard flowing out of his sliver helm. “until we are Back to Back” The Warrior could almost see the grin on the big man face.

The force was eminence when enemies collided. The Warrior swung his sword chipping off pieces of the demon's carpus. Black chitin flying through the air. The demon beat on his shield in vain, looking for an opening, but the Warrior was tough and experienced. One of the last of the original defenders. He fought demons before.

Clouds darkened the sky, A light rain turned the dust and blood and ichor into mud. The Warriors sword was getting heavy. He had killed many demons but there always seemed to be another to take their place. He took a step back and was met by a wall.
“I have your back brother”
They were loosing, they both knew this to be the end.
His footing Slipped in the mud, He felt a sharp pain in his side and fell to his knees. This was it, he thought.
Then there was a crack in the clouds. A small ray of sunshine piercing the gloom. The Demons shrieked in pain as the light reflected off the warriors Armor. He felt strength return to him. With a defiant scream he rose once more to his feet. Swinging his sword he cleaved the head from the nearest Demon. The remaining creatures fled from the warrior. More and more sun filled the ruined city. The day was theirs.

The warrior looked around. His friend was lying in the muck. His once glistening chain shirt, blackened covered with Ichor and blood. The Warrior removed his friend Helm. He coughed, then grinned, his teeth bright red from fresh blood. “Ill see you in the after life brother, we will drink in the great halls” he closed his eyes and let out a final breath.

The Cathedral was saved but many good warriors had died. The city lay in waste. There was no reason to celebrate. All that mattered now was to rebuild. More troops needed to be trained, More Heroes found and the walls repaired. The Warrior knew the Demons would be back. But for now there was sun.


The man put the safety back on to his gun and gently placed it on the table. Tears rolled down his cheeks. A weak smile crossed his face. The sun was out for another day.
So I just realized something. I have always known that I have a hard time connecting with people, and while it takes a while for me to develop meaningful attachments, once those attachments are made they are for life. There are only a few people that have broken my trust enough that I have felt like I need to sever that bond. But I'm a 32-pin scsi cable in a USB world.
Now my problem that I have recently noticed is that a lot of my older connections are getting dirty on my end of things. I need to reconnect. But I feel when I reach out that no one is speaking my language any more. I ping but there is no response. I don't know how to correct this. Part of it is I feel like the problem is with me, that I need to grow up and make new connections. Im not sure if there is more to it.
I feel like I'm being left behind. Most of my friend are very smart. they have been through college, have successful careers. have some sort of a name for themselves in their chosen fields. Me, Im a stay at home dad who struggles to keep the house maintained and can't hold down a decent job. its hard to find things uncommon with these people. Still they try to make me feel welcome. They try to include me. Yet even when they do I still feel like the outsider. Often I feel forgotten about. This is why I hate going to social gathers where I know less then 50% of the people there.
My self esteem disappeared someplace in high school. Many people took a bit of it here and there. till finally it was all gone. I know that part of my issues revolve around this. Its hard to open yourself to others when you don't think there is anything worth sharing and when your too worried about letting your fragile self getting hurt. Even with people I know and love it takes time for me to open back up to after a long absence. Even with people I love things are compartmentalized. Im not sure anyone, including myself, knows the whole me. Even as I pour all this out to the internets I feel a pain in my chest. Like I shouldn't be releasing this information. my security systems are screaming that this is just going to cause pain. But I need to break some of these walls.

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shadefox

June 2017

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