[personal profile] shadefox
So I just realized something. I have always known that I have a hard time connecting with people, and while it takes a while for me to develop meaningful attachments, once those attachments are made they are for life. There are only a few people that have broken my trust enough that I have felt like I need to sever that bond. But I'm a 32-pin scsi cable in a USB world.
Now my problem that I have recently noticed is that a lot of my older connections are getting dirty on my end of things. I need to reconnect. But I feel when I reach out that no one is speaking my language any more. I ping but there is no response. I don't know how to correct this. Part of it is I feel like the problem is with me, that I need to grow up and make new connections. Im not sure if there is more to it.
I feel like I'm being left behind. Most of my friend are very smart. they have been through college, have successful careers. have some sort of a name for themselves in their chosen fields. Me, Im a stay at home dad who struggles to keep the house maintained and can't hold down a decent job. its hard to find things uncommon with these people. Still they try to make me feel welcome. They try to include me. Yet even when they do I still feel like the outsider. Often I feel forgotten about. This is why I hate going to social gathers where I know less then 50% of the people there.
My self esteem disappeared someplace in high school. Many people took a bit of it here and there. till finally it was all gone. I know that part of my issues revolve around this. Its hard to open yourself to others when you don't think there is anything worth sharing and when your too worried about letting your fragile self getting hurt. Even with people I know and love it takes time for me to open back up to after a long absence. Even with people I love things are compartmentalized. Im not sure anyone, including myself, knows the whole me. Even as I pour all this out to the internets I feel a pain in my chest. Like I shouldn't be releasing this information. my security systems are screaming that this is just going to cause pain. But I need to break some of these walls.



June 2017

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