[personal profile] shadefox
My life is all about Transitions right now. My kids are growing up and school is starting. We are in a slow process of moving our household from one side of the state to the other. I'm transitioning to become a better person and more useful to my family. With all this going on Im still dealing with gender crap.

This move that we are going through is going to be a benefit in the long run. Its just the short term stress that is causing issues. The fact that the whole family is on the same side of the state and for the most part living under the same roof is really cutting down on the stress but still as of now we don't have our own home. We are effectively sleeping on a friends couch until we can get things figured out. Most of our stuff is still in the old home and some basics got left behind. but we are strong and will deal.

I still don't know who I want to be. I know the person that I was is worthless scum so I need to improve on that. I need to work on improving skills I have not trying to add more. Im not talented in anything, this has been an issue I have had in the past. I have kept trying new things in search of my talent. Im at the point I need to give up on that search. If I'm supposed to find it Ill find it but I have a few skills that I could be decent at if I just focus on them. Course in all this self refinement I also need to find something that pays the bills.

So even with all this going on I have to deal with the fact that my brain has a bunch of loose wires. Things that cause my anxiety, and depression, and gender dysphoria all at random times. I wish I could figure out triggers but I haven't been able to do that. I have started to figure out the precursors to things and can work things out earlier but still no triggers.

So in the thoughts about transitions here is my feelings on me doing any sort of physical gender changes. About half the time I'm as happy as I could be with this over weight maleness that I have. yes I want to loose my belly but I can work on it. about 30% of the time Im ok with things. Shaving and some make-up can make me decently passible as a women if the room is poorly lit. But then there is this 20% of things that looks at a 2 piece swim suit and knows I could never pull it off. My shoulders are too broad for that slinky little nighty. My feet are to big for those cute little strappy shoes. and I don't have the hips or waist to look good in that filmy dress. Now even if I wanted to cave into the desires of that 20% of me that wants to be a woman full time. no amount of hormones are going to fix my size 12 feet or my broad manly shoulders or the fact Im 5'11". Sure I would get hips and boobs. but Im never going to be the little waif at 5'8" that I would want to be. I think sometimes that if I was back in high school in this day and age, with the friends I have now. I might consider transitioning. Back when I was 16 I may have been able to become the girl I would have wanted to be. but now its not as important for me to have the physical body, at least most of the time. but I do occasionally want my own pair of boobs.



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